The Scale Does Not Define You

I'm just gonna come right out and say it. I currently weigh the heaviest I've ever been in my life.

And I don't just weigh it, right now, today. I've been maintaining this "new high" for months. Months!

After a lifetime of obsessing over the number on the scale, I am finally, happily, proudly OVER IT. It's kind of silly, to be honest. As women (and men, too), we obsess over a stupid number that no one else sees except us and our doctors. It's not like we walk around with a card taped to our foreheads that shouts, "HEY, THIS GIRL WEIGHS 180 POUNDS!" (If you didn't guess, that's what I weigh.)

When I was in college, I was consumed with hitting a certain weight. For some reason I felt like if I could hit 155 pounds, I would be happy. I would be more attractive. I would have this fulfillment that 165 pounds couldn't bring me. How does that even make sense? Who decided that how many pounds it takes to keep you on the ground (uh, gravity) is a life-altering number? When did we start letting a number define us?

Diet companies, that's who.

(Well, maybe not, but that's what I'm telling myself.)

Starting in high school and through my 20s, I did just about every diet you could think of. Weight Watchers. Jenny Craig. South Beach. Paleo. Carb cycling. All to get to 155 pounds, because again, that obviously would have made me a happier & more fulfilled woman.

I'm embarrassed to admit that at times, I even used to take a sharpie and write a tiny "155" on the inside of my wrist, hoping that seeing that number would somehow inspire me to better adhere to whatever diet plan I was on at the time. At what point did we let ourselves become so infatuated with weight loss?

Don't get me wrong, being at a healthy weight is a good thing. Everyone should work towards being the most healthy version of themselves. If you're at a weight that's causing you health issues, then you should definitely work towards a healthier lifestyle.

But for many of us, it's vanity metrics. We want to become smaller, become leaner, become faster, better, stronger. And let me tell you, the number on the scale has very little to do with any of that. Yes, if you want to get leaner you will probably lose weight due to fat loss. Yes, if you want to build muscle you will probably gain weight due to muscle gain. But it's not all black & white. I've seen athlete after athlete completely change their body composition with little change on the scale. Our bodies are cool.

So back to my 180 pound body. Over the past 2 years I've dedicated my "exercise" to getting stronger through competitive powerlifting. The first year, I struggled with the whole concept of gaining weight to get stronger. But then, over time, I realized (with some coaching) that I needed to build some muscle mass to help my cause. I slowly gained weight.

And muscle.

And strength.

And it.felt.awesome.

One of the best parts about this process was letting go of the constant "dieting." Yes, I'm still tracking my food intake. Yes, I'm still monitoring my macronutrients (ratio of carbs/fats/proteins). But my entire mindset is different. I'm fueling my training vs. depriving my body. And if I want a cookie, I eat a cookie. Life is pretty good.

Last night, I wore a crop top to the gym. If you follow me closely on Instagram, you're probably tired of hearing about it already. But for me, this was a HUGE step outside of my comfort zone. For years, I worked out to get "abs" and have the confidence to wear anything even remotely baring my midriff. And last night, with 30 extra pounds on my body than the abs-chasing girl of my past, I stepped out of my comfort zone in a gym full of strangers and just put myself out there.

And I gotta admit, I think I looked pretty good ;)

I'm so thankful for finding a sport that encourages women to find their own strength and reclaim their confidence. I'm thankful for all the women (and men) in my life who encourage me to do just that. And I'm thankful that I'm no longer defined by a number.