First Trimester “Blues” & Sharing the News
This is the second entry to my pregnancy diary. To read the first, check it out then come back!
Okay, so maybe the title is a little misleading. I did not quite have the “blues” during my first trimester, but it was a crazy mix of emotions. There was the overwhelming joy, crippling anxiety, extreme exhaustion… well, we’ll get to all of that later.
A couple days after getting my first positive test, I took another one. You know, to be sure it wasn’t a false positive. Once I got the second positive, I called my doc right away to schedule my first appointment, which came right around the 6-week mark.
In those 2 weeks, Steve and I had to make decisions -- and fast. Fathers’ Day was approaching, and we’d planned to have my parents over for dinner to celebrate. We all enjoy a good glass of wine, so I knew it would be a sure tipoff to my parents if I didn’t have a glass (or 2) of cabernet with the juicy steaks we’d grilled up. After all, when you’ve been married for 8 years and you’re both approaching mid-30’s with no babies, it’s kind of on everyone’s minds. (Which is really nobody’s business, but that’s a topic for another day.)
It’s a very personal decision of when to share your pregnancy news. Some women choose to announce right away, and some wait until the popular 12-week mark, when the risk of miscarriage is much lower. I understand both sides, but we chose to generally wait to announce to most people.
Back to the Fathers’ Day dinner with my parents. What’s a newly pregnant couple to do? Fake the wine or share the news with their parents? Well, we did both.
Steve & I must’ve stood in front of the juices for a disproportionate amount of time in the grocery store, analyzing the colors of dark juices more than anyone would ever need to. We finally decided on a grape juice blend that we thought looked the most like a bold red wine.
Meanwhile, I’d found a wine label on Etsy that read, “Drink this for me, I’m a mommy to be.” I figured it would be the perfect Fathers’ Day gift for my dad, and the best part would be that he’d never see it coming.
When asked over the years, Steve and I had been extremely vague about our family plans. For one thing, it’s really nobody’s business as I already mentioned (and if you’ve been in the habit of asking young couples when they’re going to have a baby, please keep in mind that there are lots of people struggling with infertility or other issues and it can be an extremely sensitive topic). And secondly, we really, really wanted it to be a big surprise whenever it was our time.
So there we sat with my parents on that June afternoon. I hadn’t been to the doctor yet and was only 6 weeks pregnant. We were reeling with nervousness & excitement as I sipped my ruby red juice that just about matched perfectly to the wine we poured for my parents. I remember it like it was yesterday: I sat between my parents with Steve opposite me, listening intently to my dad telling us enthusiastically about some Corvette he was eyeing online. Meanwhile, the gift bag with the specially-labeled wine sat on the table in front of us. It felt tortuous to know that our secret was inside the bag, just waiting to be let out.
I’m not sure at what point it happened but I feel like I eventually interrupted my dad’s car shopping story and told him it was time to open his Fathers’ Day gift. After he read his card, I told him, “now, we picked out this wine especially with you in mind; it’s very special.” (How else would you make absolutely certain he read the label?)
He slowly read it out loud. “Drink this for me… I’m a …” His voice grew quieter as he almost whispered the rest to himself.
His eyes grew wide as he looked up at me. “REALLY?”
My mom panicked. “What! WHAT?!”
He handed the bottle over for her to read and her eyes quickly turned red and filled up with tears. I don’t really remember what happened next, but Steve and I both confirmed the news and neither of us could stop smiling. We of course reiterated that it was still very early and that our first doctor appointment was in a few days, but that we wanted them to know.
Funny enough, my mom made some comment about how she wasn’t sure if we were “ever” going to have children. She also swore up & down that she would have “known” if I was pregnant. I guess our plan to have it be a surprise worked. ;)
My first doctor appointment was just 2 days later. Being only 6 weeks along, it was too early for an ultrasound so they did another urine test & also some bloodwork to check your various hormone levels.
At this point I will tell you that I’d been telling people for some time that whenever I did get pregnant, I was hoping to have twins. I don’t know why, it was just something that was really on my heart. Because of this, I’d read all kinds of things about having different pregnancy symptoms if you were carrying two. One of the big indicators can be an extra-high hCG reading. hCG is the hormone that some at-home pregnancy tests check for, but a blood test will actually give you a number readout.
When I got my bloodwork back, my hCG levels were actually on the lower end of the spectrum. Lots of things I read online also suggested that with multiples, you might experience more extreme early-pregnancy symptoms like morning sickness -- and at this point I wasn’t experiencing too much, if any. Between these two things, I was convinced I was only having one baby.
Oh, Twins
Right around the 8-week mark Steve & I headed back to my doctor’s office for our first ultrasound. I was familiar with the ultrasound experience from some ovarian cysts I had a few years prior, but having one for a baby was totally new for me! I laid back in the chair as the tech spread the warm jelly over my then-flat tummy. Steve sat in a chair directly behind me, and the tech’s screen was facing away from both of us.
The technician swiped the probe all around my lower abdomen, making what appeared to be very concerned faces at her screen. She didn’t say a word. Let me tell you, for a first ultrasound, it’s not very reassuring to have your tech making scrunched up faces not saying anything!
Finally, after what seemed like an hour (and was really only a couple of minutes), she spoke.
“Oh, twins.”
It was the most nonchalant, anticlimactic announcement ever, as if we should be expecting this.
TWINS?!
I let out a loud, drawn out gasp, then immediately put my face into my hands and began to cry.
I felt Steve’s hands on my shoulders. The tech was actually concerned at this point. “Is this… good crying?” she asked. “Yes,” Steve affirmed. “She’s very happy.”
At this point, she was able to show us both of the heartbeats on the screen and we saw the two little peanut-shaped embryos next to each other, each in their own little amniotic sacs. It was wild.
She then wanted to follow up with an internal ultrasound, so I used the restroom to empty my bladder. When I came out Steve was standing there ready to give me a hug. I was so excited and unaware of my surroundings that we somehow knocked 2 giant artwork hangings off the wall. I don’t know why I remember that so vividly, but I do, and it makes me laugh every time.
Anxiety Overdrive
These first several weeks of being pregnant were some of the most anxious times of my entire life. You read so many stories of women experiencing miscarriages or having other complications that it’s hard not to think about that. I practically panicked over every little cramp I felt, and I inspected my underwear every single time I went to the bathroom (TMI for some of you, but I’m just being honest).
My prayers seemed to only focus on keeping the baby safe & healthy. The only thing that would calm me down was listening to Kristene DiMarco’s songs “Fear Not” & “Take Courage” over and over… and over again. If anyone saw my Spotify history during that time they’d probably think I was legit crazy for having those songs on repeat as much as I did.
After finding out we were having twins, my GYN notified me that a twin pregnancy is considered “high risk” and then referred me to a maternal-fetal medicine (MFM) specialist. No big deal, so I have to see a specialist. I figured it was probably a good thing to make sure I was getting the best care possible.
The doctor we saw was terrific. He answered so many of our twin-related questions with confidence and ease. When I asked about how much weight I should be gaining, he simply told me “everything in moderation” and that I shouldn’t worry about it too much. And when I asked about exercise restriction, he said to continue whatever I was doing and to listen to my body. I honestly feel like more doctors should take this approach, because it reduced my stress levels greatly.
But what spiked the anxiety yet again was all the genetic testing. We were offered so many tests that it was tough to keep them all straight. One of the less invasive ones we chose to do is called a nuchal translucency scan, which is essentially a specialized ultrasound that measures the thickness of tissue behind the neck and is a marker of Down syndrome. After our initial test, the doctor said it “looked a little generous” but was too early to tell. We had to wait a couple of weeks for the next test for him to confirm that all was normal, but those couple weeks were tough. Cue Kristine DiMarco on repeat (again).
In the end, MFM determined I’m in overall good health and that there’s really nothing “high risk” about my pregnancy other than the fact that there’s 2 babies inside of me. “I’m happy to care for you if you’d like,” he said, “but you’ll be having lots of appointments towards the end and my practice is a little far for you. I’m happy to refer you to someone closer to home if you’re more comfortable with that.”
Looking back, I was so anxious for so long -- for nothing, really. I guess that’s what anxiety is, though: a feeling of worry over something with an uncertain outcome. I’m just glad I had Ms. DiMarco (and God) to get me through it.
Next on the list? Sharing the TWINS news with the rest of the family, which was double the fun! Read part 2 here.
